Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.

Sunday night saw D.A. (The infamous, nature-loving housemate of mine - refer back to previous posts if your memory is a bit shit) having a mental breakdown in the middle of the diaper aisle in the local supermarket. The sheer complexity of the nappy buying process had us in complete freak out mode - is 5kg the amount of wee it can hold? What does NB stand for? What waist size does a 2 year old have?

Whilst I really do like kids, and genuinely can't wait to have my own (my kiddy-winkles and I would have matching trainers fo' sho'!) I think this experience has cemented the fact that I'm just not ready yet.

And sure, seeing all these super adorable Chinese bambinos around with their awesome hair and cute expressions makes me broody as hell - but when I really think about it, I'm not all that convinced that I would like to raise them in Hong Kong.

The pressure to succeed is pretty hardcore, regardless of age. Parental expectations for their child are incredibly ambitious, especially in Chinese culture. Lets face it, if you're not an accountant, doctor, or lawyer, then what the hell are doing with your life? The general path is to study hard, get top grades, go to university, get a job, make lots of money, get married, have kids.

This process literally starts the minute the child breathes in his first lungful of air when he reaches this world. The pressure really is on - there are soccer-tots classes starting at 18mths old, swimming classes, ice skating classes, Mandarin classes, ballet classes, musical instrument classes, tennis lessons..the list of extra-curricular activities for a primary schooler is pretty freaking intense! There's a nine year old boy (some sort of very distant relative) that has 10 hours of squash practice a week. I think my arms would actually fall off. Not to mention the extra tuition, the extra study classes, the sheer level of homework can amount to several HOURS per night! I mean, they're like eight years old.. surely they should be out playing instead of locked in a clarinet lesson or stuck doing a mountain of homework?

My almost three year old cousin had to have eight interviews for kindergarten alone, EIGHT. I just want to put this in perspective; I had four interviews to get into university. In my twenty-two year existence, I've attended seven job interviews. And you're telling me that the average pre-k kid has to go for more interviews just for kindergarten than some people do in their careers? Whaaaat. That's just not right.

I think this kind of environment is something that I wouldn't be willing to put my own child through. I actually want them to be able to play out and enjoy their childhood, instead of rushing from one study session to another. I mean, the only extra curricular I took at school was cello lessons (I wish I'd chosen a more portable instrument- it was so heavy!) and I can honestly say that it hasn't really helped me that much in my adult life. What I do appreciate however, was the freedom I was given - and I turned out alright!

Tourist Attraction of the Week: OCEAN PARK

Not going to lie, definitely worth a visit! We were wise in terms of choosing to go on a weekend when the kids were all back at school and it was relatively quiet. We were quite lucky with the weather too, sunny but breezy - Ocean Park is pretty much all outdoors so I would definitely recommend going on a day when you know for sure that you aren't gonna frazzle.

We went to watch three shows;

Sea Dreams Show - Sea Lions & Dolphins

Whiskers & Friends Show - More Sea Lions

Emperors Of The Sky Show - Lots and lots birds..

One of my absolute favourites- the cable cars!!

Really lovely view of Repulse Bay/Aberdeen

But my all time favourite part of Ocean Park has got to be the PANDAS!

Accessibility - 9/10

There's a bus that takes literally 15mins from right outside Admiralty MTR to the entrance of Ocean Park, and even though the enormous queue is quite off-putting, it sure goes down fast as there are buses leaving pretty much every minute. The only downside is that it's quite far out, so getting home can get quite difficult.

In terms of the park itself, its pretty easy to get around, lots of signs for those who are geographically challenged, but there is a fair amount of walking involved.

Shows - 6/10

There is a high chance that I'm slightly biased as I've previously been to SeaWorld (and let's face it, not much can beat Shamu) but I found there was something lacking in all three of the shows we attended. All three were trilingual (Eng/Canto/Mando) which is good because it covers all bases, but bad because if you were only able to follow one language, there were massive chunks of dialog that you just didn't understand. And the animals didn't look happy.

Variety - 9/10

Lots and lots to see and do, from seeing penguins at the South Pole Encounter, going on the newly opened Hair Raiser rollercoaster, walking through Old Hong Kong, playing in the aquarium to watching the nighttime water spectacular, Symbio, there's more to do than you can shake a stick at.

Highlights;

The pandas of course!

And the cable cars, got to love the cable cars.

Tips;

Bring your own water, and make it a big bottle too. As with most tourist spots, everything is like 43439 times the price. ($20 for a bottle of water? Do one.)

Get there early, as you really will need all day to play!

Get to the shows about 15 minutes before they start as most of the seats get taken up, pretty quick. 

Wear sunblock. It's mighty sunny!

Overall Fun Factor - 9/10

Amazing day out, lots to see, do and buy! Definitely worth the $280 admission fee, for a fun-filled day and a handful of awesome memories!

Long Live Hong Kong Grannies!

Whilst on a 6am run this morning (no genuinely, I am NOT lying, there I was with my trainers on, pounding the pavement and sweating like a fat kid in a cake shop- at such an ungodly hour for a Sunday too) I had a moment of clarity whilst being over-taken by the ladies and gents of HK that were double, if not triple my age. The OAPs of Hong Kong, are one healthy-ass bunch. 

Let me throw you some statistics (everyone loves statistics!) to back this up. Hongkies have a life expectancy of 85.1 years (girls) and 79.4 years (fellas) respectively, and consistently rank in the top 10 countries with the highest life expectancy, placing 2nd in 2010 (losing out to Japan..I think all that sushi and yummy tonkatsu ramen makes them immortal) and 8th in 2011. Compare this to our 'parent' country, People's Republic of China who placed 63rd (average life exp. of 74.8 years) and the country that placed last at 194th, Mozambique (39.2 years), the pensioners of HK are obviously doing something very, very right. 

This is something that I have noticed though. When I'm leaving for work at ridiculous o'clock on the weekdays, I always see a bunch of middle-aged old ladies walking back from their morning stroll. Whilst hiking this afternoon (HIKING! I know!), I walked past a whole gaggle of over-60s. Even if you are going past a park, there will definitely be a bunch of the older generation doing their daily exercises. People here are infinitely more proactive, even regardless of age.

I can actually put myself forward as an example. The maximum amount of activity I did whilst back in the UK involved walking from my front door, to my car. Then from my car, to the shops, or work, etc. I occasionally worked out my arms by lifting a pint from the table to my mouth. Sometimes, I even pushed the boat out and ate a salad (highly uncommon situation). If I had to compare myself to a Pokemon, it would be Snorlax.

But even now I've been sucked into a more healthy lifestyle. Not even counting that I've signed myself up for a 10km charity run (hence the 6am runs, sigh) and my newly discovered penchant for climbing up mountains, I have to do high levels of walking on a day-to-day basis (which explains why I can't wear heels so much over here, because a) I'm scared of PK-ing and b) there's just so much damn walking to be done!). 

So regardless of the outrageously large levels of pollution, the weather that makes my knees click and all the MSG-laden food, I'm hopeful that I'm going to live and long prosperous life filled with tea, dim sum and hiking.

And I wanted to dedicate this blog to my big-knockered acquaintance, thank you for following my blog :) and letting me know too!

What's more dangerous, shark infested waters or a girl with princess syndrome?

After a gruelling day at work, where I was simultaneously battling man flu (I will never bitch about UK working hours.. 9am-5pm oh, how I miss those days! The Asians work so bloody hard!) I made the executive decision to give up on my 58457hour commute and take a taxi home. Definitely wise.
As per usual, the taxi driver had an endless amount of banter, and we happened upon the subject of HK men; where we happily proceeded to bash the living hell out of one particular type. A type that I'm pretty certain only exists in Asia.

Now this type of male species doesn't have a name, but they do have certain characteristics. The major and most telling one is this - they carry their girlfriend/wife's handbag. Seriously, have they lost their cajones?! Their dignity?! Why are they carrying a freaking Chanel handbag, HANDBAG!, around?! Get a grip on life and tell your bird that if she can't carry her own bloody bag, then she shouldn't buy one in the first place. Jeez.

Now I can wholeheartedly admit that this isn't entirely the guy's fault. I am aware that the lion's share of the blame is wholly on the girl - who is obviously suffering from advanced stages of Princess Syndrome. Completely dehabilitating, but a pretty common disease within the Hong Kong female population. And something that I can absolutely not stand. For those who have yet to encounter this horrendous disorder, let me outline some of the major symptoms;

• princess mentality; that they're above others - that they are infinitely better, prettier, smarter 
• expect others to drop everything to help them 
• throw tantrums when they don't get their own way 
• being generally spoilt

What's more horrifying is that I've seen this in action, more than once. On the MTR, on an escalator, in the middle of a shopping centre (I wrote 'mall' first before remembering that I'm British..ugh, I said 'cell phone' the other day as well, I nearly shot myself). Girls throwing full on hissy fits at their boyfriend for not saying the right thing or not paying them enough attention. Girls demanding completely ridiculous items from waiters in restaurants. Girls thinking that they're the absolute shit and need to have the immediate attention of everyone in the vicinity, right now. Its more sickening to watch than 'two girls one cup' (okay, maybe thats a different level of sick). It's just not right.
The mentality is wrong on so many levels, and what makes it worse are the people (usually boyfriends and husbands) that completely bow down and actually give in to their stipulations.
I think that if I had tried to do this back home, I would've been swiftly told to do one and to stop being such a dick. I'm certain that not many would even entertain the thought of hanging out with me ever again if I acted like this.

So my question is, why are so many (Asian) girls like this? And why are so many (Asian) guys so accepting?

More importantly, what's 'get a grip and grow a pair' in Chinese?!

Ain't nobody gonna be as efficient as the Chinese

Apologies for being such a deadbeat blogger, there are many factors that contribute towards my lack of blogging prowess, (including parental visits, dodgy laptop and too many weekends gallivanting around and not staying at home long enough to blog) however, I'm back to updating once a week. (yay!)

Having spent the past few blogs pretty much bashing Hong Kong, I thought I would share an insight on what I think Hongkies do better than anybody else - and that's getting things done, hella fast.
Genuinely, if there's one thing that the Chinese can really excel at, its their undeniable ability to be bloody efficient.

Take for example, the time when my bus home was crashed into by a lorry in the middle of the motorway. Absolute nightmare. It was late, I was tired from work (I download music legally too.. I'm officially an adult, sigh) and most importantly, I was hungry. Hungry to the point where I was mentally evaluating whether a McDonald's number six meal (I can only order by numbers, damn my lack of Chinese menu-reading ability), noodles and dumplings with a side of steamed buns could be considered as just one meal. I was dreading the hours it would take for all this bus pallava to be sorted out, the hours standing between being rescued and finally getting my hands on all the food in the world. Having broken down in the UK in my tiny ass car before, where I waited a good 2 hours for the freaking RAC to turn up and save me, I thought a similar situation would transpire here. Sigh.
Oh, how wrong I was. Within fifteen minutes, we'd been moved to the hard shoulder, the police had turned up and taken statements, the lorry was carted off on a tow truck, and another bus had shown up to continue our merry journey home. Daaaamn girl, it was amazing! It was like nothing had ever happened!

On a grander scale, Hong Kong has the mighty Octopus card, which I think is pretty much the epitome of what efficiency is. Similar to London's Oyster card (except about 4834739343 times better), we use this for public transport as an alternative to cash, so all one has to do is simply *doot* their card and they can be on their merry way. Not only is it for public transport, it can be used pretty much anywhere - to buy coffee in the morning, to pay the bills, purchase cinema tickets, enter the swimming pool..the list can really go on. I can pretty much be like the Queen and not carry cash at all, as long as I had my octopus card on me. Not only does it mean I can survive on just using this lone card for the rest of my life (in HK anyway), it is undoubtedly more time effective. Just think how much faster it is to *doot*, rather than rummaging around a purse for the right change, then realising that you're 10cents short, then start rummaging in the bottom of your handbag, then pockets, then fuck it you're really holding up the queue so you'll just pay with a $50 bill instead.. yknow what I mean?

Efficiency is also apparent on a more day-to-day basis. From quick service at pretty much every restaurant and retail store in HK (in the UK, I spend an ungodly amount of time trying to make eye contact with waiting staff in restaurants because its polite, right? Over here, its a pretty much 'take my order NOW' hand raising situation) to sorting out phone contracts and opening bank accounts (which would've taken literally years and LOTS of to-ing and fro-ing back at home) everything just seems so much more fast paced, but equally as effective.

Yep, if there's one thing the Chinese can whoop yo' ass at, its being speedy and effective.

HALL OF SHAME!

Words can't describe the emotions I felt when she sat down opposite me.

Fashion terrorism - a serious threat.

Disclaimer:

Now before I write this post, I just want to clarify that I am not a fashion expert, in any way, shape or form. Having just bought these absolute beauties (I WILL stop talking about them..eventually) I can confidently say that my sense of fashion is somewhat alternative. 

However, this does not excuse the levels of absolute fashion terrorists in Hong Kong. Inspiration for this blog post has been brewing over the past few weeks now, but what really cemented the need to type this all out was the complete atrocity on the MTR on Friday night, that I will never, ever be able to un-see. Remember doing food pyramids/pyramids of biomass in Year 7 Biology? That was my first thought upon seeing this particular lady's hair. That was just the side. The top was short and spikey, much like a mullet, and the back was long and plaited. I mean, how do you even begin to ask the hairdresser for that kind of cut?! And it doesn't even stop at the hair, oh no. Her outfit was a big, tight mess of sparkles and pink, kind of what I would imagine a unicorn's vomit would look like. But most horrifying of all, she was definitely of the same age group as my mother.. I mean, I really love my mum, but there is absolutely no way I would let her out of the house dressed anything like that. It was monstrous.

I think that's the thing over here. Everyone wants to stand out and be 'individual', which equates to some rather bizarre fashion choices, as illustrated below.

Fashion knowledge really is poo-poo.

I can't tell what makes me angrier, the elasticated, denim hareem pants, the white socks and ballet pump combo, or the hideous t-shirt.

.......I think it might have to be the socks.

I don't understand the leggings and shorts situation here. Just what are you doing with your life?

Those few pictures above offer just a brief glimpse into the world of day-to-day fashion terrorism. It's pretty scary, right?

Androgyny is another prominent feature within Hong Kong, to the point where it is borderline impossible to tell if the person is male or female (look for Adam's apple!). A shockingly large amount of girls have their hair cut and styled like they're part of a Korean boyband, dress in clothes that are obviously designed for the male persuasion, walk and talk like boys to the point where they even have their own slightly derogatory label - 'TB', short for tomboy. It's actually kind of astounding, how they manage to erase all feminine features and achieve a look that really does beg the question, "what sex are you?!".

I can let androgyny slide by, but the one thing that I can not, for the life of me, understand is why so many ladies of my mother's (and above!) generation insist on dressing like they're twenty years old. The phrase "mutton dressed as lamb" has never been truer!

Its very strange. I was stood behind a woman wearing a short, hot pink, Juicy Couture velour tracksuit yesterday. She had her legs out, hideous high heels on, hair dyed and curled, so I naturally assumed she was around my age. Biggest shock of my life when she turned around, and even with her face covered in make-up she was definitely touching 40 years old. I mean, come on love, who do you think you're kidding?!

Just get a grip, accept the fact that you're getting old, and dress like it. Get yourself down to M&S like a self-respecting, middle-aged woman and stop buying clothes from the likes of Forever 21. Juicy Couture is NOT acceptable past the age of....actually Juicy Couture is just not acceptable, ever. Jeeeeez.

On a parting note; death to socks and sandals. Just choose one or the other, this is one of rare times when BOTH really is not an option.