Chivalry is not just dead, it's decomposed and become a zombie.

It started with a massage.


Just for clarification, an actual massage, opposed to a "massage".. you know the ones I mean.
So Friday night, what better way to kickstart our weekend than with the first ever massage of my life, right? 
Let's put it this way, I've never felt so many conflicting emotions at once. It was truly the most excruciatingly pain I've ever felt (he was using his ELBOWS! I thought he pushed one of my vertebrae out of my spine!) to the point where I was laughing insanely because the only other option was to start crying. There was one moment when I thought he was trying to rip my head off my neck, and then he lured me into a false sense of security by telling me it was all over.. then BAM! he simultaneously cracked every joint within my upper body in one go. I felt like a walnut.
In all fairness though, I do feel about 540432320 times better, the masseuse gave me a geography and Chinese lesson at the same time (we bonded over our strange accents) and I will be returning to have another go.. but just not yet.


So after wobbling our way out of the massage parlour -seriously we were shaking!- my housemate (lets call her D.A. for now, to protect her privacy and all that. D.A. stands for David Attenborough, as she has a weird tendancy to go off on one about the trees and flowers and shapes of leaves.. jeeeeeez!) had a friend of a friend who wanted to meet her, as he was interested in joining her company. Naturally, I was dragged into this as I work within the same industry and I could also shed some light about my experience etc. 
This is where it starts going downhill. After D.A. and I's suggested bar was turned down as a meeting point, we went to meet with this friend of a friend (lets call him Mr. Socially Awkward) at his choice of bar, where he had two friends with him (Mr. Man Bag and Mr. Smokes Too Much Weed). Now, I was starting to feel a bit put out because:
a) it was hands down the dodgiest bar EVER. And I studied and drank in Yorkshire for 3 years, so that's saying something. I wanted to sanitise my entire person within 0.3 seconds of entering. 
b) as their names suggest, the present parties were slightly...odd.


I'll break it down for you;

• Mr Socially Awkward - it genuinely felt like it was the first time he'd ever spoken to a female. He was nervous, he didn't know where to look and all I wanted to do was tell him to grow some balls.
• Mr Man Bag - had a bit of chat, put in a bit of effort, but maaan, he was sipping his pint AND he had a designer man bag. 
• Mr Smokes Too Much Weed - dopey, slow, couldn't tell if this was with the influence of class B drugs or without.

Either way, I put on my happy face and tried to enjoy the rest of my Friday night, because it's public holiday (again, yay! and I get 3-day weekend!) However, this plan of action was quickly rebuffed as I entered the most socially awkward situation I have ever encountered.
 Mr Socially Awkward, Mr Man Bag and Mr Smokes Too Much Weed are all locals, but studied abroad in a big name, West Coast American university so I thought they'd have a bit of banter, y'know? Nope. Not even a bit. It was painful. 


And this is what I've really noticed about the general male population in Hong Kong. They generally have no idea how to interact with girls! 
They study so hard to become a doctor or accountant or engineer, they truly are brilliantly academic and ambitious to boot, but have the social skills of a brick wall. Why is this?
But sometimes, it's not even that. I don't know if I've been spoilt by the gentlemanly ways of the Brits, but when I first arrived in Hong Kong I was completely shocked when guys didn't hold doors open for me.. instead just letting it swing shut in my face! Or on the bus, when guys don't give up their seats for girls. (Actually, no one gives up their seat for anything out here, its every man for himself) Or letting the girl go first. Or paying.
Are my expectations too high? Genuinely, I don't think so. Its common courtesy, right? And before the feminists go crazy, it is a two-way thing. I was brought up polite- I hold doors open for others, I give up my seat for the elderly and pregnant, I let others walk first, I say please and thank you.. I genuinely thought that was how everyone acted in the world. Oh, how wrong I was.
I can honestly say that this is one of the things that I miss the most about home (apart from Sunday roasts and my mum) - a bit of chivalry. Seriously, HK men are NOT gentlemen.


Back to the socially awkward situation. D.A. and I weren't particularly impressed. I mean, Mr Socially Awkward invited us out and we were technically doing him a favour by answering all his questions, so we assumed he'd be getting the drinks in for us. Understandable expectation, as if it was the other way round, and I was the one seeking advice from a stranger that had purposely jiggled their plans to meet with me, I would've bought them, no question. Nope. Paid for our own drinks. I mean, come on! This is not acceptable behaviour. I can't cope with this level of sheer ignorance! It was already bad enough that I've had better conversations with my stuffed panda, but this act of unchivalry was literally the straw that broke the camel's back.


So onto the conclusion of that fateful Friday night. D.A. and I ranaway. In spectacular fashion, I might say as well. Whilst giggling madly during our escape, I distinctly remember D.A. saying, "Shit, this is blogworthy!", so here it is, in all it's glory. I'd been thinking about how less polite Chinese society is, compared to what I'm used to, but I guess what happened on Friday night just cemented it all (onto this blog anyway).

Ooooh, blogging.

Why hello there.


I think I'm best off explaining why I've decided to start this up (I probably could have decided upon a more hardcore hobby like watermelon-pip spitting or paragliding.... blogging seems kinda vanilla in comparison). 


Inspiration hit this afternoon, where it was raining so hard that I momentarily thought I was back in the UK (THAT heavy) and made the executive decision to not leave the house and ruin my only pair of boots (sparkly Doc Martens fyi). No seriously, there was an actual chance that I could've drowned, its raining that bloody hard. So, there I was, casually catching up on trashy UK news courtesy of dailymail.co.uk (I'm not even ashamed to admit it either!) when I came across an article about that girl in Scotland, who takes pictures of her 2 quid school dinners and rates them. It was literally a lightbulb moment. 

Approximately three months ago, I made a somewhat impulsive decision to book a plane ticket and relocate myself 6021 miles away from home. I arrived with 46kg of my worldly possessions, nine pairs of shoes and what I thought was a competent grasp of the language. Having being born and raised in a tiny town just outside of Manchester, UK, for the entirety of my life, I kinda have to say this is a big-ass change. 


Now, I can readily admit that even when I was in the same country, I was absolutely atrocious at answering texts, calls, emails, and any other forms of communication. Now that I'm not in the same country, and throwing the time distance aside, I haven't really made much of an improvement on this front. SO! That's where this blog comes in. (genius!) I'm thinking I can keep you all updated on my weekly adventures (but mostly misadventures) this way, and then you can't get so mad at me. :)


I've had enough time to 'settle-in' and all that, but frankly there are still so many things that can only be described as an absolute culture shock. I think the main problem is, although I'm ethnically Chinese, my mentality and way of thinking is completely like a Brit. 
For example, when waiting for a train (YES I did catch public transport..a few times) in the UK, one tends to wait for passengers to alight first before getting on board. Makes sense. This does not happen in Hong Kong. It is literally survival of the fittest. The second the train doors start sliding open, you march right on inside that carriage like your life depends on it, and even if there's no more space, you will cram yourself in regardless (there was one time between TST and Admiralty in the morning where I swear my feet weren't actually touching the carriage floor).
And that's the other thing. I could understand the mad urge to wedge yourself in if the next train doesn't arrive for another half hour, but the trains here run every 2-3 minutes. (I realised I was a true Hongky when I was getting irritated waiting more than five minutes for a bus..actual foot-tapping and watch glaring too!)


And the other thing. I thought I was bilingual, and my Cantonese was fluent. (operative word: thought) This is not the case. My language skills, frankly do not cut the mustard. My vocabulary is somewhat to be desired for, and don't even get me started on pronunciation! 
It's actually embarrassing. It's getting to the point where even I don't even understand what I'm trying to say sometimes.


But I digress. What I'm trying to say is that I apologise for not being around, but please accept this blog as a token of my affection. I promise to write frequently! :)


Aaaand now I'm going to go. Final Destination, the couch and strange Japanese snacks are calling.


Peace out, cub scout xo